Since we are on our final stages of our adoption process (and I have a minute to think today) I want to share my heart with you. I want to share with you things I have learned (from other adoptive parents, from adoption experts and from our social worker). Even though it seems as though this journey is nearing an end, when we come home from the airport, the journey is truly just beginning. As hard and emotional as the paperwork stage has been and longing and craving to have our baby girl in our arms, it is no comparison to how hard, exhausting and emotional the days ahead will be with her home. It will not be rainbows, glitter and unicorns...it will be raw, it will be trying, it will be draining, it will be hard friends. Even if the transition goes as smooth as it possibly can, it will still be hard. I promise I'm not being doom and gloom, I'm just being real, I'm just being honest and sharing what I've learned from others who have traveled this road before me.
As long as we have all loved Anelyn and have been dreaming of her and staring at her picture, we have to remember she hasn't been loving us, she hasn't been dreaming of us...she has no clue what all she is about to go through and that breaks my heart for her. She is about to loose everything she knows. She is about to go through more than any child should ever have to go through. She has a foster family. In her eyes, she has a mommy...a home. We are about to rip her out of her family, her home, her life and expect her to leave with complete strangers (very white strangers with red hair)...a new home...a new mommy, daddy, brother and sister...a new country...new sounds...new smells... Again, my heart breaks for her heart.
This will be nothing like bringing a baby home from the hospital. She will be almost 1 and a half with her own personality, with her own comforts, with her own sense of security. We have to show her that we are her parents, that we will be there forever when she needs us, that we will NEVER abandon her, that we are her forever family no matter what! This takes time...lots and lots of time to restore her heart. You know, God, our heavenly Father heals, redeems, restores wasted years and mends broken pieces but how long did it take us to believe that, to trust that whole heartily?? It will take Anelyn several months to learn we are her forever family, coming to mend her broken heart, restore her life and try to fit back together the broken pieces of abandonment.
I would like to share with you what these next few months need to look like. I am writing this in hopes that no one would be offended once we arrive home because of how different this will look compared to bringing a baby home from the hospital.
We welcome anyone and everyone that would like to come to the airport when we arrive home with Anelyn to be there :) Although we will be a hot mess after traveling for approximately 29 hours and have who knows what kind of fluids all over us!! But we welcome you to come and get a peek at Anelyn!! I will give travel details when I get them!!
Now, here's where it gets tough. Here's where we ask for your help and support. After the airport, we have to hunker down as a family for a while. Through everything I've learned, been told, and taught (at our 13 hour adoption class) it takes 12 weeks for a child who has been abandoned to get "attached" and "bonded" with their family. That means WE have to meet her every need in order for her to learn this. Her needs that we have to meet are these : feeding, holding, rocking, bathing, changing, every time she cries, we pick her up and attend to her....all the things you do with a newborn for them to learn who mommy and daddy are. They say PJ and I are the only ones that should meet these needs or else she will be confused. I know this seems strict and you may think I'm crazy and that's ok. We only get one shot at this attachment thing, and if we mess it up, she will have attachment issues forever (like with a spouse...) I know you all are so excited to hold her and believe me I will probably be wanting help and relief, but in order for this thing to work, we have to stick to this. All the adoptive parents I have talked to have said "we should've been stricter in the beginning". Never once have they ever said we were too strict. Some have said that because they took their child around people too soon, the child attached to anybody and everybody, even complete strangers. We don't want that. Remember, this is temporary. And if we put ourselves in Anelyn's shoes and remember what all she is going through, how confused she is, I know you all will want to support this. Is this necessarily what I want...NO...are you kidding me??!! I'm going to want to take her everywhere and show her off to everyone but I can't. Not for a while anyway. I'm sure we will welcome a couple guests to come over to our house after a little bit and you can play with her on the floor and stuff like that, just no feeding, changing, rocking.... that sort of thing. We have to build those parent-child relationships from scratch!
We will also be doing things that may not look "typical" with a 17 month old. We have to go back to the basics to gain the trust and bond. We will be giving her bottles and rocking (this kind of close bodily contact and eye contact builds trust). I know she shouldn't be on bottles at 17 months but remember we are starting from scratch just like you would an infant. Discipline may look different than it did with our other 2 children for a little while.
It will be a while before we go anywhere with lots of people around. Once again, this will confuse her and may trigger her fear and grief. When we do make it out and about, please feel free to wave or smile at her and to interact with us as we are holding her. In general, we plan to keep her near us, just as we would with a new baby, but if you see her seeking food, comfort or affection elsewhere, please re-direct her toward us.
I promise I am not trying to be rude or disrespectful, I just want things to go as smoothly as possible and enable Anelyn with the best transition we can.
Oh, on a side note, I apologize now if I am super grumpy after we get home...this chick does not do well on no sleep!! And I hear the jet lag is NAAASTY!!!
I can' thank you enough for your continued support and excitement during this journey. Please continue to pray for the many things we still have to go thru as far as paperwork, travel arrangements, flights, Eli and Olivia, everyone's health and especially Anelyn's heart. Hugs to you all!!!
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